@TheTweetOfGod

Since yesterday was the National Day of Prayer, today must be the National Day of Disappointment.

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@13spencer

Experimental Music sounds like a cool idea until you realize that the experiment is how bad something can be, and still be called music.

@furrrizzle

Dear diary,

My date got really excited when I said I wanted to cook for him.

Apparently Meth wasn’t what he expected.

Dating is bull shit

@Home_Halfway

“How do we spell this pasta?”
L
“Ok”
A
“Got it”
S
“Neat”
A
“Diggin it”
G
“What the hell”
N
“Wait”
A
“I have some questions”

@ericsshadow

If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.

@pmclellan

Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.

@ChrisThayerSays

I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.

@cervixsmash

Blood is thicker than water but maple syrup is thicker than blood so technically pancakes are more important than family

@UncleDuke1969

[bedtime]

DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.

ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.

DAUGHTER: …

ME: Night, sweetheart.