Wife: We don’t have anything planned today…
Me: Cool!
Wife: …so I was thinking we should…
Me: (dammit)
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wife: Why did you drink all the rum?
me: I lost the cap
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
I date waitresses so I can ask them if everything is ok when their mouth is full.
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
Deer are just ballerina dogs
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
My mom never got lost, she called it learning the area.
“I need help at the copier”
“Is your document all ready to go?”
“Yes.”
I then wait by the copier as she spends several minutes sequencing a couple dozen pages and filling out a form. To be fair, by “ready” maybe she meant the cellulose pulp had already been converted into paper.
After taking a bunch of 7-year-olds on a field trip to the Natural History Museum, I realized their favorite exhibit was “Elevator Buttons.”
*at psychic reading*
Psychic: you probably think you’re wasting your time
Me: Ooh you’re good
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* WHAT IS THE SOUP OF THE DAY
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.
All generalizations are stupid.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
I wish I had the determination of my wife who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.