Since yesterday was the National Day of Prayer, today must be the National Day of Disappointment.

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Experimental Music sounds like a cool idea until you realize that the experiment is how bad something can be, and still be called music.


Dear diary,

My date got really excited when I said I wanted to cook for him.

Apparently Meth wasn’t what he expected.

Dating is bull shit


“How do we spell this pasta?”
“Got it”
“Diggin it”
“What the hell”
“I have some questions”


If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.


Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.


I’m still drunk with power after a Jehovah’s Witness asked, “‘Can I ask you one question?” & I said, “I think you just did,” + kept walking.


Blood is thicker than water but maple syrup is thicker than blood so technically pancakes are more important than family



DAUGHTER: Dad, I’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while I’m sleeping.

ME: Don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first.


ME: Night, sweetheart.