“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
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Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
At the play museum it was fun showing my kids the toys I used to play with, that is until my tween kept calling them artifacts.
i am tired of the human pretending. they don’t control the weather. sometimes they open the door. and it leads into the rain. but i have literally seen them. open the exact same door. and it be sunny on the other side
you dare??? even think??? of taking Jigglypuff’s Stick??
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
*Salt-Free Chocolate Covered Potato Chips*
My Wife… The Bargain Hunter
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Krispy Kreme is giving out free donuts to anybody who’s gotten vaccinated.
Not to be outdone, Cinnamon Toast Crunch is giving out free shrimp tails.
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
The point of your 20s
Soon as I finish untangling these earphones I’m goin to google who made them & I’m going to ask them to invent shoelaces that tie themselves
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
My ex asked if I have a boyfriend, saying my daughter keeps talking about ‘Jerome’. Jerome is our roomba.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
For years I thought the ghost in my house was trying to scare me, turns out he was just booing my awful jokes
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
dont freak out but everything is made of chemicals
Rome wasn’t built in a day but it couldn’t have taken as long as the too slow car wash.
Stages of drunk:
– I’m not drunk.
– I’m still not drunk.
– Who’s trunk am I in?
me: I hate when the bank is crowded like this
[outside]
getaway driver: is he in line
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Dog: Why don’t you feed me more?
Me: Because I love you and I don’t want you to get fat.
Dog: … You must really hate yourself.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”