@SirEviscerate

“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”

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@jimmytorosian

I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET

@iwearaonesie

“They’re gray with gray stripes”

– me warning my dog about skunks

@ChrisIsJoking

It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.

@jonnysun

CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]

@djdarrellripley

Her: I’ve heard a lot about your lovemaking.

Me: Oh, your embarrassing me, really Its nothing.

Her: That’s what I heard…

@LittleMissAngr1

It’s been quite a week. My pet rock, Simon, died and I was going to bury him this morning, but I set him down outside and now I can’t be sure which one is Simon.

@jwomackou

Wife: how’d you get that burn on your arm??
Me (looking fabulous): not from your curling iron

@sixthformpoet

1: Steal ice cream van 2: Drive around slowly but never stop 3: Be proud to have helped prepare children for life’s many disappointments

@Hobo_Splendido

The nephew I’m babysitting has been in a corn maze since Thursday, but I rationalize by thinking he has plenty to eat.