since you’re having surgery tomorrow, get here early and remember no eating after midnight
“because of nausea?”
no, because you’re a gremlin
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That security feature that hides passwords with asterisks does me no good because my password for everything is eight asterisks.
Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Tried belly dancing but ended up looking like an insect about to die.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
My Sentiments Exactly
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
The only upside to Trump’s big wall is that Texas will finally get some of Banksy’s Art. Maybe like a little girl and a soldier with a gun
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?
Me:
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
I always hated videos of animals being shot with tranquilizer darts to trap and transport them.
Now, I’m calculating the toddler dosage.
CITY PLANNER: what should we call the paved path next to the street
CRAB: i have an idea
Just when you think you have your shit together, a sock goes missing from the dryer and disappears from the face of the earth.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Before grocery trip: only getting healthy essentials
After grocery trip: how many grams of protein are in these Doritos?
Him: Amazon Prime and chill?
Her: That’s not something people say.
Him: Sure it is. Bing it.
Her: Also not a thing.
Me: go get em tiger!
Tiger: *mauls everyone*
[walks into a laundromat with a bag of popcorn kernels and heads straight to the dryers]
Her: Have we been to that restaurant?
Me: hmm damn I’m not sure.
Her: It’s cute how you cross your arms when you’re thinking. Also, please put your hands on the steering wheel, you’re going 84.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
I’m nervous that my diet pill will stick in my throat, so I usually eat a few cookies after to help push it down.
Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
me: we should tell our son he’s adopted
wife: but he isn’t
me: I know but I’m bored