Sing it!
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[Fear Factor]
HOST: and the first contestant to touch the puppy in front of them will be sent home
*camera pans to me already holding puppy*
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
So many recipes say they can be made with stuff you definitely have in your kitchen already, but then none of them ever call for expired sour cream or the giant extra thing of red pepper flakes you bought by accident.
squid in the streets, octopus in the kitchen, did i do that right?
The scariest part of packing is making sure you unpacked all the drugs from the last time you traveled
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
“You’re beautiful on the inside.”
– Me, to a Twinkie
[on phone with mom]
SHE SAID YES!!!!
“congrats, son”
I asked her if she thought I was weird
“Wait what?”
She thinks I’m weird. We broke up
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Wife: What do you want to do for Cinco de Mayo?
Me: *sits on the couch and scratches in Spanish*
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
[ad for umbrellas]
[cut to me trying to swat away raindrops, just getting totally wet]
“There must be a better way!”
Voiceover: UMBRELLAS
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Wife and daughter are doing a Friends marathon. It’s on 24/7.
No one told me life was gonna be this way.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Not sure why my doctor prescribed LSD for a case of constipation…until I saw those dragons and totally shit my pants.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”