Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
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You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
“You’re saying it’s all an act?
Chewbacca: Indubitably, my good man.
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
It truly bothers me how many people would marry someone just for their money. Because I’m trying to do that & you’re lowering my chances.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
My husband tried to drop me off at my parents’ house when we were driving back from the airport after our honeymoon bc he had forgotten that we were, in fact, married and now lived in the same house.
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
PATIENT: I bet medical school was pretty tough
DR DOG: yeah I remember one time I did an assignment 4 times bc I ate the first 3 copies lol
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: THERE’S CHRISTMAS PAPER AND BOWS ALL OVER
DOG 911: Your human let u eat it?
DOG: NO
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Sure I might have bitten someone today, but they deserved it.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
My tinder profile shows me crying holding a mediocre fish.
Not to brag, but my antics at work resulted in several items being added to the employee manual.
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
Whoever you are, you can’t deny that
Harry Potter & the Fallopian Tubes
sounds like a legitimate title.
Don’t act like you wouldn’t read it.
hot singles are in your area, merging together into a plurality, a hot leviathan. the time for chat is over. this is not your area anymore
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”