Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
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If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
It’s not really ‘fast food’ if fat people can catch it.
mayor, handing me tissues: you do understand what a “town crier” is, yes?
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Tiny naps between my naps I call napkins.
Establish dominance. Never let a dog lick you first
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
If I was a Spice Girl, I’d be onion powder.
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
listed 911 as my emergency contact because, nice try, i know how emergencies work
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Can we all agree that Batman’s parents had a severely underdeveloped sense of self preservation?
(True)
this is the news I live for
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
just thinking about how I had a convo with a dude who said he thinks he’s allergic to almonds bc they make his tongue itch but chocolate is a good anti-inflammatory because his tongue doesn’t itch when it’s chocolate covered almonds…
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs