@shutupmikeginn

Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan

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@3sunzzz

I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.

@RunwayDan

When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.

@Imsohoppy

I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.

@RawspberryJamb

“If you love something, set it free. If it comes back it’s yours”

– Inventors of boomerangs

@dorsalstream

Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!

DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.

@DevilryFun

From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.

@_UsernamesRHard

Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.

@thepunningman

Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it

@girl_a_whirl

[invasion]

*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?