Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan

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I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.


When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.


I have a particular set of skills, skills that allow me to open beer cans so no one in the house knows I’m drinking.


“If you love something, set it free. If it comes back it’s yours”

– Inventors of boomerangs


Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!

DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.


From the looks of your eyebrows, your shock collar must have malfunctioned.


Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.


Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
Oil the single ladies
If you liked it then you should have put a rig on it



*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?