Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
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Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.
One nice thing about my kids sleeping so late in the summer is that I save money on breakfast foods because it’s been completely eliminated from their diets.
“No. No birthdays, Christmas or modern medicine.. But you sure do make great friends going door-to-door”
*Door slams
– Jehova’s Witnesses
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
Shout out to the top 5 suits in the world, 3-piece, zoot, swim, law and birthday.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
So… counting to ten in between multiple double cheeseburgers DOESN’T count as intermittent fasting?
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
[about to have sex]
me: fasten your seatbelt
her: oooh you’re good huh
me: no this is a race car bed
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Please please please please please please please…
-me, flushing someone else’s toilet
boss: we have to let you go
me: why
boss: its the only speaking in lyrics thing
me: em…
boss: Although you’re not doing it now which is good
me: see!
boss: ok you can stay
me: *under my breath* a
accurate
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
How did the first person to read learn how to read?
Never bring a knife to a gunfight. Bring one of those long grabber sticks so you can take the other guy’s gun away.