@VinnyPisciotta1

Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.

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@_salt_n_lime

I was having a perfectly lovely Wednesday until someone told me it’s Monday.

@brittwastaken

I want to find a way to get women naked, rub them with lotion, and convince them to pay me for it at the end.

-The inventor of massage

@nickcreelman

Coworker: it’s dark already
Me: I know, Dan. I have eyes
CoW: it’s only 5 ‘o clock
Me: I KNOW DAN
CoW: it’s early
Me: THAT’S HOW EARTH WORKS

@FrenulumBreve

Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”

@wickedsuga

Maybe the baby wasn’t on board. Maybe the baby was against the whole thing.

@STACEYNIGHTMARE

Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.

@Bratterina

Simmer down with all the cheating bro, its a relationship not an Algebra exam.

@theguywitheyes

GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste

BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice

@TechnicallyRon

Aliens: “Take us to your leader”
“No”
“What”
“Look we’ve made some mistakes”
“Just take…”
“It’s been a weird year, half of us are morons”