@VinnyPisciotta1

Singin’ in the Rain is a beloved Oscar-winning classic, but singin’ on the train will get you harsh stares and a six seater all to yourself.

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@SvnSxty

Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part

Owen Wilson: wow

Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”

Owen Wilson: wow

@Book_Krazy

“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish

@Pork_Chop_Hair

If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.

@david8hughes

[skydiving with my dog]
Me: ur ears r inside out
My dog: can’t hear u my ears r inside out
Me: it’s the wind
My dog: I think it’s the wind

@amydillon

I hope my teeth enjoy these 3 minutes of minty freshness before their 8-hour coffee bath.

@mom_tho

I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry

@Pro_Jones_

Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?

Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.

@jonnysun

hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER

@simoncholland

My credit card was declined and when I called Visa they asked me to verify that I was a 39 year old man buying a unicorn frappuccino.