Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
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no..
one…cleans like Gaston
quarantines like Gaston
no one stops spreading COVID-19 like Gaston
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.
Adult life blows…. Friends don’t even ask to see how fast you can run in your new shoes anymore.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
After sitting in the labor and delivery waiting room chairs for 12 hours, I need an epidural as much as those women in labor do.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
I had to see these photos of somebody putting their sphinx cat in a wig and dress and now so do you.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
The elites don’t want you to know this but the ducks at the park are free you can take them home I have 458 ducks
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
2001 A Space Odyssey 2
The spaceship returns
HAL is just as uncooperative as ever.
He never works.
He becomes the basis for Windows 10.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Attack of the 50 foot woman sounds horrifying. So many feet, so many toes.
“I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly.” ~ me talking shit to my peanut butter sandwich.
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
You’re not a geek or a nerd because you always have to have the latest high tech gadgets and electronics. YOU’RE RICH
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I’m so pleased the basket I put in the bedroom so my husband has somewhere to put his shoes is making it easier for him to put his shoes next to it.
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
very rude of my sister to give birth to twins on the same day we think might be my cats birthday. richard’s spotlight will not be robbed.