I feel like I’m always on the outside looking in… and great the cops are here again.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
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I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
PROFESSOR X: Quick! Magneto, save that bus full of kids!
MAGENTO: I think you’ve got the wrong guy. *turns everything purple*
MY ANCESTOR: [running full speed through a field to avoid a lion]
ME: [in an air conditioned gym realizing i forgot my earbuds] no way i can run like this
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
[Couple saying their vows in church]
ME *stands up* I know why these two should not be wed. SHE’S ALREADY MARRIED!
ME: AND SO IS HE!
COUPLE: Yeah we’re renewing our vows
ME *sits down* I did not know that
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
Note to self:
Do NOT try shopping for a pearl necklace online. Ever. Again.