Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
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You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Hey girl, Did you fall from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.
ME: Good morning
TODDLER: I don’t want to be a mermaid. I want to be a shark with legs.
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
“My phone is blowing up!”
*2 unread messages*
The only thing worse than your kid bringing home a drawing to hang on the fridge is when another kid gifts your kid a drawing and they want to hang it on the fridge.
You never see anyone in Star Wars wearing glasses. Is there someone out there performing Lasik with tiny lightsabers and a very steady hand?
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
If you have joint pain..
You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.
babe is everything okay? you’ve barely touched your pile of hundreds of elaborate projects you start but never finish
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
[having a little snack before bed]
Me: HONEY, WHERE IS THE OIL FOR THE DEEP FRYER?
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
On a scale of 1 – 10 where 10 is being up on technology and 1 is washing clothes by beating them on a rock, I’m about a 5.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
I’ve started an all male cow gang.
Because in life, anything is posse bull !!
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
Dear Santa, I’ve been good all year. For Christmas can I get zero emails from the PTA, and just one a day from the school?
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.