@Buttija

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.

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@Reverend_Scott

BELLE: I love you

BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]

BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace

@MomOnFire

6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?

Me: You broke my juicer.

6: When I juiced that play dough?

M: yep

@alovablenerd

awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls

@Ygrene

Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something

Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all

@murderbytweets

In Hell, someone is constantly vacuuming while you’re trying to explain directions to an old man.

@BigHeb7

Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.

@KateWhineHall

My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.

@WilliamAder

There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.

@meganamram

Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.