Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.

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BELLE: I love you

BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]

BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace


6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?

Me: You broke my juicer.

6: When I juiced that play dough?

M: yep


awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls


Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something

Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all


In Hell, someone is constantly vacuuming while you’re trying to explain directions to an old man.


Free advice: Saying “meaty shaft” in a corporate meeting is like saying bomb on an airplane.


My son feels about broccoli the way I feel about having to make a phone call.


There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.


Women shouldn’t work outside the home. It’s STEVE Jobs, not EVE Jobs.