[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
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Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Got that cool new virus rsv and it feels awesome being early on this one. It’s like doing all your homework on Friday so you don’t need to worry the rest of the weekend
What’s the difference between a lentil and a chickpea?
Trump wouldn’t pay $1000 to have a lentil on his face.
#watersportsgate #goldenshower
tums is missing out on selling pumpkin spice flavored antacid and calling it autums.
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Act Like a Lady
Think Like a Man
Most importantly, talk in irrelevant cliches.
If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
I want to live in a clean house but the whole living in it is really getting in the way.
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
My drunk neighbour just stumbled into a car, fell and then apologized to the car.
-Only in Canada
*pulls up to window*
Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Some of you may recall that, before I went into food science, I used to be an amateur inventor. I had several products ready for market including my childcare aids, Plastic Bag O’ Silence and Baby Shock Collar.
I drink a lot of water for someone who claims to hate being alive
Them: you have an attitude problem
Me: it’s not a problem… I like it
I just watched Bug’s Life and cried the whole time I mowed the lawn.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.