@justabloodygame

*singing scales*
Do, Re, uh…
*calls Lionel Ritchie*
“Hey”
Hello!
“What comes after Do & Re on a music scale?”
Is it Mi you’re looking for?

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@LeftBlank___

She shouted “GET SOMETHING TO PUT ON BEE STINGS”

I fetched her one of her bras.

Now we’re not talking. Apparently.

@ObiWanPunobi

What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?

@FuckabillyRex

-Why are you dressed like that?
-I’m a wizard.
-That’s a bath robe.
-Wizard’s robe.
-You’re not magic, Ben.
-Watch me make my job disappear.

@omerwahaj

He has found a brilliant way to automatically keep all the horses warm, fed, and clean.

He’s a stable genius.

@kcmoore51

Their bedroom door is closed. I better walk in there for no reason.

– kids

@Paxochka

Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.

@Lama911

Runs away from you…

Looks back to laugh at you…

Runs into pole.

@TakeForGrantd

told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription