I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
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One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
I prefer to dance when someone is watching, you know, in case I need medical attention.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”
Made eye contact with a dude walking his dog while I was taking a sip of water from my bottle. The cap was still on. We both noticed.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
[preparing chicken for lunch]
me: it’s a meal we eat at middaychicken: gotcha
Superman’s first day at the daily planet.
Boss: Since you’re new, you might need supervision.
Clark: I have that, superhearing too.
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
*logs into Facebook
*looks at pictures of people hugging their boyfriends
*comments ‘is that your dad’ on all of them
*logs out of Facebook
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
*Interrogation Room*
Detective: We know you took the teeth and the dental records.
….
Detective: Look, I’m just trying to do my job here.
Tooth Fairy: So am I!
Whoever removed the 30th and 31st from February, come get the 14th too
How do typists like their apple pie?
With a little bit of qwerty cream.
Delivery Instructions: “Please, deliver the pizza like normal, but as you walk back to your car, slowly turn back and say, ‘Hey kid! You did alright out there tonight. Your father would have been proud’.”
Found a $20 in the laundry I’ve been looking for all week. Just gonna go back to bed now and quit while I’m ahead.
Bank Teller: Ma’am, this is a regular bank, not a blood bank. Please stop trying to give me your blood
Me: Oh this isn’t mine