Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
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How is it that I, a young, single, man with a good job and his own apartment, cannot find a swordsman skilled enough to grant me a warrior’s death?
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Copy Editor is a rewording career.
GF: …I’m pregnant
ME: *holding a 10-piece chicken nuggets box that actually has 11 nuggets* I’ve also got some pretty big news
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
You know you’re a mom when you need deep, calming breaths because he’s eating two hot pockets, 10 minutes before dinner.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
These pit stains indicate I’ve put unrealistic expectations on my antiperspirant.
Doctor: Describe your usual day
Me: Eat, wait to eat, eat, wait to eat, eat
Doctor: Okay I see the problem
Me: Right? So is there an anti-waiting pill, or
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
I’VE BEEN DIETING ALL WEEK!
I’M STARVING!
-Me, on a Tuesday
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
ok this is my dumbest yet
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Overheard a girl just say she’s full because she ate at 3:00. It’s 6:00. How can you stay full for THREE HOURS, alien?
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
for pi day i will be going as a cutie pie
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
If you spotted a white guy with headphones throwing gang signs on the subway today, that was just me listening to the soundtrack of Frozen
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
[family brunch]
Sister: We’d love you to be our daughter’s godmother.
Me: No thank you. Please pass the syrup.
Website: You can’t use your last 5 passwords
Me: Stop flexing that you have a better memory than I have.
I will never miss you, because I’m a really good shooter.
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.