Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
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nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
“Honey the baby is crowning!”
*Lifts up hospital gown*
“Well excuse me YOUR MAJESTY!”
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
I like how your profile picture is you at your wedding, so are you like a professional bride
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
*sends love letter to boyfriend*
*awaits his reply by mailbox everyday*
*receives text with 👍*
*writes letter to IRS about his tax evasion*
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
Mario Kart:
1) stays in first place for 3 laps
2) gets passed by 5 people at last second
3) slams controller
4) quits job
5) divorces wife
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
Ugh, once again scratched my monocle falling asleep on my pile of gold coins.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
A lady got off the train so I finished her crossword. Turns out she’d just gone to the toilet and now she’s back and she hates me.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
Pot warmers of the day.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT