@CruisinSoozan

Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.

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@Laser_Cat

“You’re going out with that boy again? He’s no good.”

“Relax, grandma.”

*furiously knits a condom*

“Grandma, that’s not how it works.”

@TheBoydP

I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…

@pmclellan

Dogs have dandruff and cats have dandmeow. Hi, I’m single.

@ByYourLogic

I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/

@laurajennyjo

“I forgot my phone, so what do u want to talk about?”

*knocks on stall wall* “Hello? Can u hear me?”

“I like your shoes…Hello?”
..

@1Happytwit

Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.

@QwertyJones3

Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.

@markydoodoo

*drops trash in front of roomba* eat, little one. save your strength. we ride at dawn

@caliluvgirl77

Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA

Natives: actually it’s no-

C: HI INDIANS

N: no see, we are nowhere near-

C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD

@JKNenagh

My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night