“single and ready to mingle”
thank you so much for the warning
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apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
I just finished an eye exam and the receptionist asked me if I’m free on this same date next year for a follow-up appointment. Dude, I walked in here wearing my wife’s glasses because the prescription is close & I ran out of contacts–do you think I know what I’m doing next year?
AGENT SCULLY: someone got diarrhea so bad they had to land the plane
AGENT MULDER: [tosses file on her desk] ever hear of the diarrhea alien?
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
How does my kids bathroom always look like a crime scene where someone was murdered with toothpaste
I heard fish is good for your brain but now I can’t get the smell out of my hair
I wear my 5k tshirt as proof of the day I exercised
For Lent I’ve decided to give up my New Year’s Resolutions, now pass the Girl Scout Cookies.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
Me: Damn i really need to do my essay
Also me:
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
Breaking news:
My new uniform is so tight I almost broke my fingers getting a card out of my back pocket
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
7: is it tomorrow yet?
Me: nope, it’s still today.
7: aww
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Sylvester Stallone is looking more and more like G.I Joe doll put in a microwave on high for twenty minutes
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died