“single and ready to mingle”

thank you so much for the warning

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I’m not technically a lawyer but I do have 3 court cases next week.


Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…

We ordered tampons.

And they sent the closest appropriate thing.

Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.


I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase


Me: Can I bring my wife?
Travel Agent: Of course
Me: But I’m hetero. Does that matter?
Travel Agent: Do you think I’m saying Gayman Islands?


i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud


Me, 1st time in a corn maze: This is scary and stupid. Let’s go. Where’s the map.
Husband: I gave it to her.
8: Yeah. She had it, but she threw it at the Corn Man we saw.
5: And then he ate it.


‘welcome to helicopter class. any questions..’
*student raises hand*
*arm gets obliterated by chopper blades*
‘can wait until we go inside’


all of my toiletries are chosen based on clearance sales, “Oh, you’re a Irish Spring man” no I’m a 3 for $5 man