@sophienuuttall

single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008

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@mamapojo

I RT you, you ignore me
I fav you, you ignore me
I ignore you, you ignore me
This seems to be working out well for us

@shatterpants

I am realistically only 1 crossbow away from accidentally killing someone with a crossbow.

@Crunch11b

Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.

*at least it’s a short knife.

@Jake_Vig

Last Minute Gift Idea:

Chew with your mouth closed.

@FeelNutts

I like my women like I like my cigarettes, slowly killing me in packs of 20 or more

@Cpin42

A priest, a rabbi, and a duck walk into a bar. All three of them are Scarlett Johansson.

@Manda_like_wine

Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.

@aveuaskew

The only cat like reflex I possess is turning and staring at the wall when you talk to me.

@CaniacMONK

I hope I get a good grade on my kids science project this year.