single because i didn’t forward that chain mail in 2008
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Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
YOU: Do you have any healthy snacks in this house?
ME: I donut
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Crossover ideas
– 50 Shades of Grey’s Anatomy
– Tiger King and I
– Orange is the New Black Mirror
– Captain Marvellous Mrs Maisel
– Breaking Bad Boys
Boss: Dan why is your hand raised?
Me: can I go to the bathroom?
Boss: Dan you’re 23. This is a business meeting
Me: so that’s a yes?
I wear my heart on my sleeve, my kidney on my pants, help I don’t think this surgeon is licensed
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
my son just asked me where do pizzas come from adn has yet to ask me where do babeys come from. thats my boy
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Let’s band together to stop Muppet cruelty. How many Elmos need to die before people will take notice?
I only carry an old Spencer’s gift card in my wallet because I think it would be funny to get mugged and say “I hope you like lava lamps”
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
I’m trying to explain myself less often because:
*two hour explanation of why I won’t be explaining myself anymore*
And that’s why I’m gonna be explaining myself less often.
The wife and I decided we’re gonna try and have another baby so now she’s distracting the hospital security guy while I sneak in
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Imagine Dragons.
No. Dragoner.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Baby Bella mushroom: Where did I come from?
Full of shiitake biology teacher:
Well when umami and udadi who love each other very much…
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
What song lyric resonates with you the most? Mine is “we’re tiny, we’re toony, we’re all a little loony”