Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
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Me: HOLY SHIT! We’ve been robbed!
Her: Oh No! Are you calling the police?
Me: (Sigh) No, I’m calling the burglars to congratulate them..
Me: If I walk 10,000 steps but do it with a dog, has the dog done 20,000 steps since it has twice the legs?
Job interviewer: I meant questions about the company
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
Why don’t people ever put the big lights on in horror films?
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
Flirt with him. Drop down and pick up your asthma inhaler. Look back, readjust your glasses.
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
Maybe Jesus doesn’t want lettuce to adore Him.
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
If she’s “one-in-million” there’s 1,344 of her in China.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK