Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.

Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.

As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.

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ME: We left the kids at their grandparents

FRIEND: Date night?

ME: No we just don’t like them anymore


Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it


wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree


Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.


*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?


Ugh your paleontologist friend is coming? He’s so boring!

Don’t worry, I have a plan to keep him distracted

*pulls out seven layer dip*


CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
HITMAN: an accident
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
HITMAN: that was a joke


ME: [opening present from kids] Partially eaten chocolate coins?

KIDS: You said you wished you had hundreds of bit coins!

ME: [hiding pain of crippling debt] Haha I love it