Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
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[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
Every room is a panic room if someone over 40 in there ate cheese in the last hour
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
Ha! OK I’ll get off the OK shite now
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
11yo ceremoniously hands me a handmade birthday card she spent hours on.
13yo just as pleased with himself hands me the card he gave me already on mother’s day
I have a place for everything. The floor.
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
Apparently I’m only fluent in English until it comes time to leave a voicemail
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Son: If angels have wings with feathers, do they lay eggs?
Questions I’m asked before 7am
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…