Single men not in love with me.
Explain yourselves.
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I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
this isn’t my first rodeo
– what my 5yr old just yelled as he wrote “rodeo” for the 2nd time
If anyone is still on Facebook, please check on my parents.
My husbands signature move is running to town “real quick” and coming home 5 hours later.
Gods work.
The best way to stop uninvited guests from stopping by your home is to always answer the door naked.
“The Sun is dying. We need help” the scientists are speechless. Cool Dad kicks in the door & removes his shades “It’s daylight savings time”
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Misery loves Company, whereas Company is just trying to get laid.
A kilogram is my favorite unit of measurement that sounds like a service you hire to murder someone at their front door.
ignorant poors: We need money! Money is so important!
wise rich man: More important than a delicious orange? more important than a beautiful day at the lake house, or a humble Rolls-Royce Phantom?
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
A computer game where you go back in time with a gun to kill Adam; it’s a first person shooter.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
I own a lot of Nike shirts for a guy who just bought a movie on iTunes so he wouldn’t have to get up and get the DVD from the other room.
I don’t have any kids but I am a proud father of a food baby right now.
I love how my period tracker sends me notifications about potential mood swings as if I’m not already sitting there crying into a bag of chocolate chips
I only treason on days ending in y
lol – getting pizza slice and the guy in front of me (trying to banter with the cashier) is like “you made mine with extra love right” and the cashier very solemnly and Eastern European accentedly said “it’s made with normal amount pepperoni”
Santa: he works one day a year and spends the rest of it judging you.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
The trick when dealing with customer service on the phone is to appear busier than you are. Ask the representative to hang on for just a second and turn away from the phone and say: “Mertle, cut Arthur a severance check please.”
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
Please keep my boyfriend in your thoughts; we’ve entered the part of our relationship where friends who got together after us have started getting engaged.