Wish I had the confidence of a small child having a meltdown at the shopping mall.
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
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95% of my tweets are the truth. The only thing I lie about are statistics.
*stealthily lowers myself from the ceiling into co-worker’s office
*sprays breath freshener into his mouth before the meeting
“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”
sighs “always the predator, never the prey…”
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
TACO BELL EMPLOYEE: can I get a name for the order?
TACO BELL EMPLOYEE: John?
TACO BELL EMPLOYEE: What?
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”
Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”