@ericsshadow

Single: We do it like rabbits

Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet

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@garrettbarry70

Wish I had the confidence of a small child having a meltdown at the shopping mall.

@jus4golf

95% of my tweets are the truth. The only thing I lie about are statistics.

@BeardedSteel

*stealthily lowers myself from the ceiling into co-worker’s office

*sprays breath freshener into his mouth before the meeting

*retracts

@markhoppus

“And what do you do?”
“I play in a band”
“What’s the band called? Have I heard of it?”
“It’s called blink-182.”
“OH!! LIKE IN THAT CHAINSMOKERS SONG!”

@panmidwest

I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him

@FrazzleMyGimp

TACO BELL EMPLOYEE: can I get a name for the order?

ME: Shaun.

TACO BELL EMPLOYEE: John?

ME: Sure.

TACO BELL EMPLOYEE: What?

ME: Jure.

@chuuew

[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]

@Laser_Cat

[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*

@envydatropic

News “Don’t go outside. The temperatures are life threatening”

Hot flash “LOL. Challenge accepted.”