Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
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optimus prime: [doing standup] i just flew in from new york and boy are my arms tires
My grandpa used to whip us grankids with his belt, but I know he did it out of love: he really loved whipping children.
Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Best misinterpreted text ever!
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Stop attacking me with reasonable advice
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
It’s only Ultimate Frisbee if someone dies
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
“Where did that mole come from?” I worriedly ask right before a chocolate chip dislodges from my chest hair
Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?
A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Boss: *gives us company jerseys as a perk*
Me: Master has presented Dobby with clothes.
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
That’s fair
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Thursday Thought.
Age is just a number in the same way that a killer whale is just a fish.
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
You don’t serve tuna do you?
“No sir, we don’t serve fish here”
*A family of tuna in fake mustaches whistles innocently at another table*