Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
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Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
I had a dream about you. You were stupid there, too.
The natural consequence of receiving your toddler’s Halloween costume on time after rushing shipping is that they are afraid of it.
‘Pizza Hut, can I take your order?’
Me: ‘May I speak with the owl, please?’
‘Who?’
Me: ‘Hahaha, that never gets old! Large pepperoni.’
[Traffic stop]
Cop: I’m gonna need to see your ID.
George Washington: *hands him a one dollar bill*
Cop: Bribery huh!? Ok, outta the car!
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
i’ve always wanted to be a whistleblower but unfortunately i don’t know anything
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with one of those fainting goats.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
You want me to respect scientists. The people who almost killed E.T.
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
When my 4 year old asked where babies come from my toddler immediately responded, “mail man.” Now I feel like I owe my husband a phone call and we need to cut back on our online shopping.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
My mother, who has never drank or done any drug, is in Amsterdam. So, watch out, Netherlands, someone’s about to respectfully tour the crap out of your windmills.
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
Granny, pay attention and don’t panic. I need you to think hard and tell me how many brownies you ate out of the blue pan.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
you ever think about how “welp” is just the modern English version of “alas”
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
E-Mail: Drive her wild in the bedroom.
Me: Feh…I’ll drive her wild in the kitchen*Re-arranges the dishwasher.
Couldn’t afford a large screen tv this Christmas so I kept my current one but moved the couch 4 foot closer
I can’t wait for the day when we can place specific blame in the fine print of pharmaceutical ads like CARL YOU’RE THE REASON WE CAN’T USE THIS WHEN WE’RE DRIVING THE BULLDOZER
*mom puts teen’s clean clothes at bottom of the stairs*
Mom meaning: Take up stairs, put away
Teen meaning: Obstacle course on the stairs!
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.