Single women are so tired of hearing:
“Oh, don’t worry, there are plenty of fish in the sea.”

I mean have you seen those beach clean ups?! Theres a lot of garbage in the sea.

Everyone’s all worried about the sea turtles & I’m over here trying not to date a serial killer.

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kids be like: ngudksowkmdcjc
me: huh?
they mom: he said he want some chips


*speaks at high school graduation*

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Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?


“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”


Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it


Me: I’ll have the steak

Waiter: how do you like it

Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet


The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.

The good news: you’re one of them.


‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.


I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so