@MumInTimeOut

Single women are so tired of hearing:
“Oh, don’t worry, there are plenty of fish in the sea.”

I mean have you seen those beach clean ups?! Theres a lot of garbage in the sea.

Everyone’s all worried about the sea turtles & I’m over here trying not to date a serial killer.

You Might Also Like

@imgoneIoI

kids be like: ngudksowkmdcjc
me: huh?
they mom: he said he want some chips

@zachv86

*speaks at high school graduation*

Your 12 year free trial has expired. To continue your education please submit your credit card info.

@jackiembouvier

Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: Have you considered just letting a homeless man sleep on your couch, instead?

@pjux

“How do you speak such good English?” “I dunno 200 years of colonialism and eurocentric education, how do you know so little history?”

@JohnCleese

Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it

@_elvishpresley_

Me: I’ll have the steak

Waiter: how do you like it

Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet

@TheTweetOfGod

The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.

The good news: you’re one of them.

@mdob11

‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.

@TheSharona06

I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so