People always say that when you have two kids that they’ll play together so it’s less work for the parents. Nobody mentions how loud they play together though.
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flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle
Padmé: Dating is scaring. I just want to find a nice guy who’s not going to murder me.
Anakin: You’ve chosen wisely.
Damn, girl. Are you King Arthur and the Knights of the Round Table?
Cause I just Camelot.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
ME: “Aloe Vera”
VERA: “Aloe”
Vegetarians and vegans
are admirable ……but cannibals are the real humanitarians.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
Date: So… Tinder, huh?
Me: Yup.
Date: …
Me: This is kind of awkward.
Date: Maybe we should’ve used real pictures.
Me: You think so, MOM?
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
What idiot called it Viagra and not medickation?
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
Me: Can I have a Batmobile?
Santa: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, pass my Masters & get a good job?
Santa: I’ll leave the Batmobile in the garage.
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
If Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you tie enough balloons to your house, you will eventually find a dog.
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
We all have that one friend who returns our yacht a little too clean.
I hate it when candidates put signs on your lawn without even asking your permission.
Who the hell is ‘Foreclosure’?
#AddAWomanToASong How Streep is your love.
Me: … No worries!
Narrator: There were, in fact, many worries.