[lying in front of the fire]
11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?
9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*
*sings Batman theme
*crawls along bars of death
*rolls down slope
*knocks out foes
“Miss, you need to leave the playground.”
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I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
me: just bear with me
bouncer: yeah no he can’t come in
*Leaves a trail of chicken nuggets leading to the bedroom instead of rose petals.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
MEN: we’re gonna stop flirting at work and giving unasked-for hugs
MEN: wait, no, you don’t understand, those were threats
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me: what is a pald