Grocery store
Me: reach something for me?
Tall guy: sure thing!
Me: I have an itch right under my left shoulder blade.
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“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
I load the dishwasher with delicious and reckless abandon, laughing aloud as I do: HAHAHA, MOTHER, how do you like me now!
8: Grandma’s car just pulled in.
Me: OMG please help me fix this
No, it’s fine. I watched some cartoons and now I feel a little more at ease with your stupidness
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
I saw a vending machine that takes Apple Pay which sounds cool but imagine how much it would suck to lose your phone in there.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
They always say “Take it one day at a time.” Like two is an option….
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
I’m planning to adopt a dog soon, it wasn’t my first choice but my doctor told me I can’t have any biologically.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
My Mormon neighbor said it was rude I assumed her husband’s surprise birthday party invitation was also an invitation to be her sister wife.
Sometimes I’ll stop the treadmill at the gym and run in place. When people ask me what I’m doing, I’ll say, “Pretend stoplight.”
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
Grandma: ‘And that’s how me and your grandfather chose the colour of toaster in our first home’
Me: ‘So you haven’t seen my scarf?’
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
me: i hate walking into a room and forgetting why i’m here.. lmao
executioner: just sit in the chair
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…