@AthenaMystique

*sings Batman theme
*crawls along bars of death
*rolls down slope
*ascends tower
*knocks out foes

“Miss, you need to leave the playground.”

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@Wine_Charmer

[lying in front of the fire]

11: Do you think she’s asleep or dead?

9: *throws toy, 2 massive dogs pounce on me*

Me: *screams*

9: Asleep

@HeatherLuvsYou

I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.

@yeaanotherchris

*Leaves a trail of chicken nuggets leading to the bedroom instead of rose petals.

@living_marble

MEN: we’re gonna stop flirting at work and giving unasked-for hugs
WOMEN: great
MEN: wait, no, you don’t understand, those were threats

@InternetHippo

I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news

@unmehlievable

I like men who play hard to get.

So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.

@rancheroni

english teacher: *yelling* I am APPALLED
me:
me: ok
me: what is a pald