It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
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Jeff: i’m pro gun.
Me: i’m anti gun.
Greg: i’m vegan.
Me: i’m pro gun, now. Jeff, give me your gun.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
I’ve reached the age and the weight where, when it comes to a fight or flight scenario, flight is not an option.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
A cat is the animal equivalent of the girl who hated you for no reason in high school.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
When I die dress me like Mario and surround me with turtles and hammers
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
I’m not saying four kids is too many, I’m just saying it would be kind of cool if I could melt them all down to form one kid, that’s all.
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*