*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
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me at 14: can’t wait to travel the whole world once i’m earning my own money
me now: mustn’t forget that tupperware at work, it’s my only one
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
Her: oh my god i’m so wet
Me: have you tried putting it in rice?
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Squeak, squeak, squeak!
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.
So apparently there are two types of white towels in my house. Ones to dry off and ones to touch if you want your fingers broke.
Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?
Because the rest were not-E.
Her: I feel like you aren’t listening to me.
Me: No thanks, I’ve eaten.
I’m gonna be upset when HBO starts killing off Sesame Street characters one by one Game Of Thrones style.
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
ME: Wow. This cake you made is really moist.
WIFE: I haven’t baked it yet.
girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!
So…for no good reason a photoshop of a Bison and Sweetums, and probably something that will never be done again.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth