*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
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Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
CLOSE THE DOOR, YOU’RE LETTING ALL THE WIFI OUT
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
c’mon!
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Ignorant person: “You’re Canadian. You live in igloos, right?”
Me: “You’re American. You live in McDonalds’, Right?
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
Me and kiddo listening to music in car:
In a crowd of strangers and lovers 🎶
Him: Mom what’s a lover?
Me: Just when people love each other, you can call them your lover*20 min later at the grocery store*
Him to a complete stranger: Did you know we’re lovers?
Stranger:😳
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
When the vet gives my cat a pill vs when I give my cat a pill.
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
Animal testing is pointless. We already know they’re animals.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
“I’VE BEEN KICKED OUT OF CLASSIER BARS THAN THIS,” I scream at my house
[on Ferris wheel]
ME: This is going great.
MY DATE: This is so weird.
UBER DRIVER: Let’s get cotton candy next.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
ME: You take your shoes off when you enter this dojo!
MY MANAGER AT BURGER KING: You can’t say that to people.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
I often wish for the easy clarity that stupidity provides.
Ran into the librarian I’ve been trying to impress in the Target book section and awkwardly blurted out “I’m just here to buy a TV,” which was way worse of course.
me at family reunion: im sick of you being called the cool one
brother who once attended a taping of the price is right: it is what it is
Do people with insomnia know about Coldplay?
When Game of Thrones ended, many cast members found new roles and exciting opportunities awaiting them. Others weren’t nearly as fortunate.
[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”