*walking away from the big rap battle*
“How did he know that I’m lactose intolerant?”
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Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
That awkward moment you tell someone they need to take their Halloween profile picture down and they never put one up.
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
“I love you but I don’t trust you,” I say to my dog as I put cheese and crackers on the table.
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
Interviewer: “Your résumé says you have a bad memory.”
Me: “I said that?”
Last year my husband and I both gave each other NyQuil for Christmas. I’m just not sure we are going to be able to top the gift of sleep this year.
I’ve said it before. If Clifford was a Big Red Cat, everyone would be dead.
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
“Don’t take this wrong but…”
Me: Ima stop you right there. I hate you just the right amount.
Please don’t ruin it.
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
You got this…
Speak now or ever hold your peace
Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
Do regular dogs see poilce dogs and think “oh shit it’s the cops let’s run.”
Practicing safe sax
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy