Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
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[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they’re fighting over the world’s last Oreo.
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
I really admire my daughter’s restraint. When we were reunited after a week apart she waited 5 whole minutes before asking what I brought her
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
I have two goals today. Breathe (nailing it) and shower (wish me luck).
Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.
CDC Recommends Also Wearing Face Mask On Back Of Head In Case Coronavirus Attacks From Rear
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
when someone else makes a typo: lmao. you wanna eat lumch? look at this idiot. gonna eat a samdwich for lumch? lumch boy wants his lumch
when i make a typo: hello is this the witness protection program
Guy who likes music
The pricier the food, the faster kids drop it on the floor
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Women are like campfires.
Beautiful, hot, smell great, warm your heart.
And, both don’t like it if you pee on them.
Mostly.
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
You can tell you’re getting old when the barber spends less time on the top of your head and more time on your ears.
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now