[sinking boat]
CAPTAIN: ABANDON SHIP!
ME: *trying to climb back on board* there’s a band on ship?!
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Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
Me: Craig is missing? Oh…no
Cop: We found a diffuser on his desk with chloroform in it.
Me: He was stressed
Cop: There was a bottle of it in your desk
Me: I was stressed
Cop: What about the list titled “steps to get Craig in my basement”
Me: Could be anyone…
The first thing you’ll need if you’re planning on stealing an ostrich from the zoo is a car with a sunroof
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
I bought Oreos for my kid鈥檚 camp and I have to drive home with them next to me and not eat them. I may not have thought this through completely
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Dear Abby,
How long should you feel obligated to date someone after they鈥檝e given you the Heimlich?
Being a civilian in a city of superhero鈥檚 must be so long 馃槶
I took my kids’ screens away so we could spend some quality time together and it turns out they are really terrible to be around
Almost arrived at work when my kid asked “Where’re we going?” Who the hell did I just drop off at school?!
Me: Don鈥檛 touch your face until you鈥檝e put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
YouTuber: if you like this video smash that subscribe button
Hulk: way ahead of you bud
HAD LOTS OF ESPRESSO. TWEETING FROM THE MOON. I LIVE HERE NOW. IT IS NOT MADE OUT OF CHEESE.
1 OUT OF 5 STARS: NOT RECOMMENDED
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]
Bluetick account 1: [says some incredibly offensive shit completely unprovoked]
Bluetick 2: wow your mentions are a real sewer 馃槼
Bluetick 1: I know 馃槀 that鈥檚 just Twitter though isn鈥檛 it 馃檮
Bluetick 2: so true! Sending love鉂わ笍
Bluetick 1: 鉂わ笍
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.
[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you鈥檙e not a donut?
her: I can鈥檛 believe you鈥檝e eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it鈥檚 not October 31 so it鈥檚 just candy
her: either way you鈥檙e not leaving the store until you鈥檝e paid for it
Someone invented a yoga mat that rolls itself. If that person reads this tweet, I have a fitted sheet I’d like for you to look at.
This is so funny you can鈥檛 even be mad LOL