If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
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PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
Seriously…if you need a sign to remind you to wash your hands after taking a shit or piss. Stay home
I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing
Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
teacher: you’ll use calculus one day
me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?