*sinks into depression*

Depression: “Wrong hole.”

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If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.


PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day

ME: Thanks, have a great baby


Seriously…if you need a sign to remind you to wash your hands after taking a shit or piss. Stay home


I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing


Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?


I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me


When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”


Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.

Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.



teacher: you’ll use calculus one day

[AGE 40]

me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know