*sinks into depression*

Depression: “Wrong hole.”

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This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.


If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.


*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
oh its a thesaurus


Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo

Alfredo: Fettucine and what?


*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*


[first date]

Her: I like a guy who knows what he wants

Me: I’m going to get the bacon cheeseburger


Me: Is that not what you meant?


Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.


Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.