@IamEveryDayPpl

*sinks into depression*

Depression: “Wrong hole.”

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@cheers27402373

If I had to choose between watching Frozen 1 and Frozen 2, I’d probably choose whiskey.

@QwertyJones3

PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day

ME: Thanks, have a great baby

@VictorscarletJ

Seriously…if you need a sign to remind you to wash your hands after taking a shit or piss. Stay home

@neonwario

I Just Watched The Simpsons For The First Time. Bart’s Grades Are… Disturbing

@StellaRtwot

Why do other moms at the playground get all snotty if you ask their husband to push you when you’re on a swing?

@laurenmacdonald

I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me

@AspergersAreUs

When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”

@stevevsninjas

Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.

Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.

@ClichedOut

[HIGH SCHOOL]

teacher: you’ll use calculus one day

[AGE 40]

me: *standing on textbook to get twinkies from high shelf* whoa how did she know