@IamEveryDayPpl

*sinks into depression*

Depression: “Wrong hole.”

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@mommajessiec

This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.

@NurseMurderer

If a party with all dudes is called a “sausage fest”, I request that we start calling all girl parties “taco time”.

@jonnysun

*dinosaur at zoo roars at me*
“ROAR”
whoa wat kimd of dinosaur is this
“GROWL”
hmm
“SHOUT”
hmmm
“YELL”
hmmmmm
“HOLLER”
oh its a thesaurus

@DrakeGatsby

Me: For dinner we’re having Fettucine Alfredo

Alfredo: Fettucine and what?

@meatlobes

*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*

@pbear79

[first date]

Her: I like a guy who knows what he wants

Me: I’m going to get the bacon cheeseburger

Her:

Me: Is that not what you meant?

@welone1

Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.

@Crunch11b

Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.