*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
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[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
A good rule is to check the recall list before opening a bag of romaine lettuce. Check it again after making the salad. Check once more tableside.
I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
[CSI at Starbucks]
“Ma’am you’ve been robbed. Suspect is at large.”
Barista: At what?
“At large”
At what?
“At venti?”
OMG HOW AWFUL!!!
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kind of place to raise your kids
Elon Musk: *narrows eyes*
coward
Gas is so cheap right now, I just buy a new car when I run out.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
[seeing a new mom pushing a baby in a stroller]
Me: GET A JOB!!
Her: ok wow, I literally just had my baby
Me: I WAS TALKING TO THE BABY!!
me: my back hurts
doctor: have you tried voting
Sometimes Jesus asks himself, “What would some self-righteous hypocrite do?”
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
Nothing scarier than a server who takes multiple orders without writing anything down.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
My favorite way to mop the bathroom floor is to give the kids a bath.
The walls, too.
Yup, and ceiling.
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!
Terribly Tuesday.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
Girlfriend: Are you ready to be a dad?
“I don’t know, how would I know?”
GF: I’m pregnant!
“Hi Pregnant, I’m… OH MY GOD I’M READY”
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs