Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
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You only pronounce the ugh in doughnut when it’s so, so, good. That’s why American doughnuts are spelled like donut.
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
Listen, I didn’t even want this piece of pre-workout pizza, but athletes have to make sacrifices.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Don’t hate me because I have an entire drawer in my fridge dedicated to cheese, hate me because it’s organized according to expiration date.
My mom wanted me to go down to the store and get her a newspaper …. So I stopped churning butter and jumped on my horse and I rode off into the sunset to get one.
HERE GO MY IMPRESSION OF COMEDY SPECIALS:
JOEY TRUTHBOMBS – “TELLIN IT LIKE IT IS”
A Black Mirror episode where you wake up and all TV & movie actors are Tom Hanks. In fact, everyone you know is now played by Tom Hanks. You go crazy and live out your life in an insane asylum. At your funeral, your rising soul looks down at your casket, where Tom Hanks lies dead
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
5 years ago my dad texted me “i dreamed up the title of a poem last night” and i said “what was the title” and he said “Thoughts Upon Receiving Notice The Frogs Had Cast Off Their Green Skins and Revealed Their True Glorious Selves” and i have thought of that every day since.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
Doctor: serious side effects of this medication can include death
Me: I’ll take it
Why are you mad at me because YOU’RE an idiot? I didn’t make you stupid.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
being a parent of toddlers means looking up, discovering scribbles on the ceiling, shrugging, and continuing to drink your coffee.
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
[Text convo]
Her: Can I come over right now?Me: [Puts entire mess in closet, puts high thread count sheets on bed & sprays Febreeze] Sure.
Trying to get healthier, I took up shadow boxing. I’m getting a lot better at it, but so is he.
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.