[sipping Venetian canal water] hmm needs more swan crap

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If a 99 pound person eats 1 pound of nachos that person is 1% nacho


As the house burned down, my wife asked me to grab the photos, but she didn’t say our wedding ones. Anyway, here’s my dog and I wearing hats


I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.


4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*


Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.


Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.


How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.


Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.


“We do not negotiate with Pterodactyls.”- President Barack Obamasaurus


[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?