@TuSoonShakur

[sipping Venetian canal water] hmm needs more swan crap

You Might Also Like

@cervixsmash

If a 99 pound person eats 1 pound of nachos that person is 1% nacho

@ComedicBust

As the house burned down, my wife asked me to grab the photos, but she didn’t say our wedding ones. Anyway, here’s my dog and I wearing hats

@better_off_dad2

I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.

@FatherWithTwins

4yo: *shoots me with gun*
*stuffs gun in my pocket*
*runs away*
Me: *Realizes he just made it look like a suicide*
*keeping an eye on him*

@AbbyHasIssues

Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.

@theDanLawler

Roses are red,
except for all of the other colors of roses that have been in existence for thousands of years. Those are different colors.

@Tharin_P

How much credibility is there in that whole “you can punch yourself handsome” theory?
Asking for a friend.

@Jandalize

Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.

@ibid78

“We do not negotiate with Pterodactyls.”- President Barack Obamasaurus

@KateWhineHall

[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…