*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
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centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Scientist: knowing that flamingos turn pink because they eat shrimp, we fed one nothing but Gatorade for 6 months
Reporter: so what happened?
Scientist: it’s dead.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
My new single, “New Single” is available now from my new album, “Available Now”, available now.
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
WOMAN: [watching my son roll around on the floor] some people shouldn’t have children
ME: [placing my son in her shopping cart] thank you
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
every single person who owns two cats has one beautiful idiot and one terrifying demon plotting a coup
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Dear whatever doesn’t kill me. I’m strong enough now. Thanks.
Marriage isn’t for everyone, especially for married people
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
It’s so windy, my dog keeps stopping, looking back at me and dropping that “you gonna fix this shit?” look.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”