[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!

Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.

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Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”


cop: do you know why i pulled you over

me: [through foam mascot head] ya


Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.


I really want to rent a hot air balloon. Or at least a moderately attractive air balloon with a great personality.


lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling


My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”


This is your brain: [hippo standing in a field] This is your brain on twitter: [100s of people surround the hippo patting it rhythmically]


Top 5 birth control methods

1. pills
2. hysterectomy
3. jean jackets
4. crocs
5. putting ketchup all over the fries instead of on the side


I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.


I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.