Today’s life lesson: “I’ve learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing them off is a piece of cake.”
[sips martini] *sigh* [sips margarita] Now THIS ONE is delicious!
Waiter: Ma’am, you can’t try drinks on other tables. Please sit down.
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me: [through foam mascot head] ya
Astrology seems kinda silly to me, but what do I know? I’m a Pisces, and we’re just so damn indecisive.
I really want to rent a hot air balloon. Or at least a moderately attractive air balloon with a great personality.
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
This is your brain: [hippo standing in a field] This is your brain on twitter: [100s of people surround the hippo patting it rhythmically]
Top 5 birth control methods
3. jean jackets
5. putting ketchup all over the fries instead of on the side
I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.