“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
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A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it鈥檚 for me.
Apparently it鈥檚 weird that I鈥檝e had 9 birthdays this year.
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Girl likes ‘boys with accents <333’ on Facebook. I charge at her. “HELLOUGH!! I AM HELMUT, FROM RUSSIA. I WORK AS STRANGLER AT MEAT FACTORY”
I broke up with a woman once, she was beautiful but dumb, I kicked her to the curb because she couldn’t tell the difference between my bedroom door and the neighbor’s bedroom door.
I’m most freaked when I take the dog out after dark and remember it’s stupid white girls like me that are killed first in horror movies.
Dinner Party
Hostess: How much of this would you like?
Me eyeing the platter suspiciously: just one clump please.
When serial killers can鈥檛 afford to travel, they take slaycations
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
My brother dropped my MacBook and the screen got slightly cracked, so I’m giving it away for free if anyone’s interested
Specifications:
Age : 11
Weight : 25Kgs
Healthy so far.
I just saw a pizza delivery guy get in a terrible accident. I feel so bad. Someone’s just sitting around, wondering where their pizza is.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
[dumping my father-in-law鈥檚 ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Hire a hitman is apparently not the correct answer to “what would you do if you won the lottery”
I miss the days before the internet, when you didn’t know some person’s every awful thought until they died and you cleaned out their attic.
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
I’m sorry your eyebrows look like two unruly caterpillars chasing each other across your forehead.
when the author kills off your favorite character 馃槶馃槶馃槶
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
my favorite game is called “Secret Family.” I go to the movies & sit near a group of strangers & pretend they love me
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
To combat the sibling rivalry that鈥檚 been occurring at home, we鈥檝e been spending more time outdoors. So essentially they鈥檙e just taking it outside.
Currently blackmailing the IT guy to extend the wifi coverage for my new hiding place at work.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
Sometimes sorry seems to be the hardest word, but usually it’s antidisestablishmentarianism.
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn鈥檛 take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.