“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*
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“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Become a parent if you want to be judged by your kids on your ability to provide chocolate milk at any given moment and by other parents for being willing to
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
“of course i’ve had a girlfriend before you guys. i know what i’m doing!!” *types “what do girlfriends eat” into google*
Toddlers wait until you’re at your breaking point to lean in for a hug and headbutt you right in the eye socket.
*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
FUN FACT: next time you ask someone to pass a roll of toilet paper to you under a bathroom stall door gently grasp their hand and challenge them to a thumb war. They legally have to accept.
Stranger danger is a very real thing.
They nearly always react badly to proposals.
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
why is it spelled “camouflage” and
not .
POLICE! OPEN UP, WE KNOW YOU’RE IN THERE. WELL, WE DON’T KNOW BUT WE’RE KINDA HOPING YOU ARE COS IT WAS A LONG DRIVE & JIM NEEDS TO PEE.
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
I’m so incapable of accepting a compliment that I’ve started just flat out refusing them.
Them: You look lovely today.
Me: No thank you.
If my neighbors would just talk a little louder I could follow along with their conversation, but no. Rude.
This morning I did ten sit ups. Doesn’t sound like much, but there are only so many times you can hit the snooze button.
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.
I like to imagine the person who originated Head & Shoulders shampoo had really, really hairy shoulders.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?