“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
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lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Heartbreaking: Introvert sentenced to 100 hours of hanging out.
FRIEND: do you think your truck would hold a queen size bed
ME: *long drag off a candy cigarette* trucks don’t have arms, Gary
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
I play guitar but I only know a couple songs
Them: what kind of guitar?
Me: air guitar
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Wife: Did you eat an ENTIRE half-gallon of ice cream?!?!
Me: It was getting freezer-burned.
W: I just bought it today!
Me: Crazy freezer.
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
I asked Alexa how old Kenny Rogers was when he died. She told me he was 81, and then she said, “Would you also like to know the net worth of Kenny Rogers?” Why the hell would you ask me that, Alexa, am I in the will?
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
this is literally a CIA plant
People: we are overfishing the sea
McDonalds: we’ll make the Filet o Fish smaller
People: nonononono
Sorry I painted a hat on your head while you were sleeping, but I can’t knit.
Newton’s daughter had dem apple fallin genes, boots with the fur
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
Today I accidentally dropped my sunglasses into the toilet and flushed them. Tomorrow a very cool alligator will rule the sewers.
WIFE: Oh darn I have a loose thread on my sweater.
ME: (waiting for the right time to tell her I bought a sword) Allow me m’ lady.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
A marriage built on respect and trust can survive anything. Except losing twice as much weight on a diet than your wife, apparently.