Me: Flirting is fun
Me when actually flirting: OMG HOW DO I DO THIS. WHATS A WINK. IVE FORGOTTEN HOW TO BREATHE. YOUR FACE IS TIDY. HOW DO I HUMAN. HELP.
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“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
[god creating raccoons]
Angel: what do I do with all the leftover tiny people hands?
God: hand me those cats.
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
If a tarantula lived in a flower pot it would be a hairy potter
Silly me thought that doggy poop bags were designed to open
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
[first day as a pharmacist]
CUSTOMER: the antacid I took isn’t working.
ME: *leans in close* that’s cuz you’re not an ant..
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
[on a date]
*don’t let him know you’re a bird*Him: I’ll drive us. I just had my car cleaned and detailed.
Me: *poops all over windshield*
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol