My kid’s teacher told me my kid is obsessed with video games and that I need to work with her on it. I’m like I do. I’m player 2.
“Sir, how may I help you?”
*swivels around in chair*
— A coffee please!
“Did you bring that chair in here?”
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Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
[first day in hell]
Me: oh is that a buffet of only gas station food?
Satan: *evil laughter* yes, and it’s all you shall ever eat for the rest of eternit—
Me: *already munching on a gas station taquito*
8 yr old: Mom, what do you want to be?
Me: Single, living in Bahamas, no kids, maybe operate a little dive shop, driv–
8: I mean for Halloween
Me: Oh, I don’t know I haven’t really thought about it
Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
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