Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
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the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
To the max.. 😂
Sound on
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Oh, when sharks grow an extra set of teeth it’s “cool” and “neat but when I do it it’s “what’s happening to that man’s face mommy?” and “why is he slinking back into the sewer mommy?”
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.
A doorbell rings. I immediately look up, shocked, as I don’t have one installed. It chimes again. I shiver. The sound vibrates in my soul. I lay aside my book, the text forgotten, and go inexorably to answer the summons. There’s a man there. He speaks,
“Hello. I sell doorbells.”
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
I feel like one of these would kill a European
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
just woke up from a terrible nightmare. was dreaming about a country called “britain” where people eat beans for breakfast and say stuff like “crumpet” and speak a barely intelligible version of english. thank god that’s not real
10 years of ninja training, and now all I use it for is to quietly unwrap candies when the kids are in the other room.
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
You paid for a vanity plate that doesn’t make sense. Good job.
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
I used a maternity leave to grow out my bangs.
And that is why she will always be my favourite child.
I ejected a usb drive unsafely back in 2008 and it’s been growing ever since. I can’t open the door to my office anymore. My assistant was still in there I’m so sorry Bert
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
My salad is dry.
That’s a problem that needs a dressing.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Wife: Your problem is your incompetence
Me: I can hold my pee just fine
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers