I haven’t seen the numbers, but I imagine vampire attacks are way down.
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Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
[commercial for mops]
*scene of a man licking up a pool of spilled soda off the dirty floor*
“There has to be a better way”
Narrator:MOPS
BARISTA: hey, your drink is on the house today
ME: oh, wow
BARISTA: yup
[awkward pause]
ME: could…could you get it down?
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
If I had a dollar for every woman who called me handsome… I’d have a dollar. Thanks Grandma.
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Sorry that I took a picture of my armpit and tried to pass it off as my thigh gap.
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
[visiting southern France]
Me: This is Nice
Wife: It’s pronounced Nice
Me: I said Nice
Wife: No, you said Nice
Me: Nice
Wife: Nice
*69 minutes later*
Me: Niiiiiiice
Paris Hilton’s chihuahua Tinkerbell died yesterday. Purses are being held at half-mast.
Lost in a corn maze? Light it on fire. Turn it into a popcorn maze. Eat your way out.
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: What’s your net worth?
FISHERMAN: Which one?
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Britain be like
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
My parents and teachers said I could be anything I wanted but I’m 28 now and I’m still not a hot Asian girl named Bang Bang 🙁
Pretty annoying when someone unfollows me before I can conduct their exit interview.
I laughed at this way too hard.
Any psychic who needs a door bell to let them know someone is there is probably not worth the money.