Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
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She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Toy stores should spread the toys out on the floor so you can see them in their natural state and practice stepping on them.
I miss getting my misinformation from less places
[the next jurassic park movie]
ATTENDANT: Oh no the dinosaurs have escaped again!
ME: Why do people keep coming here…?
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
I’m wondering if other dogs are afraid of Saint Bernards. Not like dog fighting, but morally.
Earth is huge. There must be like 9 or 10 different countries on this thing.
Me, starting a diet:
7am: Egg white veggie omelet, fruit
9am: one slice of cake instead of two
Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
im always more attracted to women wearing glasses, like deep down i know naturally poor eyesight provides my best chances
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
@funTweeters thanks so much!! 😘
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
My pants had a harsh talk with me this morning and said enough is enough or they’re going to split
My wife said: Pls go to shop & buy a carton of Milk & if they have eggs, get six. I came back with Six cartons of Milk & told they had eggs.
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
I could be wrong, but an escape goat strikes me as an awfully inefficient getaway plan.
Has anyone mastered the art of nonchalantly walking past a policeman?
When somebody asks for directions I just say “follow your heart” and drive away.