@kyry5: Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you're handling this really insensitively
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@jake_likes_naps: [at bar] Gee, I'm so hungry I could eat a horse *nearby horse slams down his whisky* COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY *horse throws the 1st punch*
@AtticusFinch79: FRIEND: you should really try Zumba, I'm in the best shape since high school ME: *not really paying attention* oh yeah *two weeks later watching my Roomba on my couch* ME: ive never felt better in my life
@iwearaonesie: *wife walks over to me* *cups my face with her hands* *looks me in the eye* "Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?"