@kyry5: Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you're handling this really insensitively
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@squirrel74wkgn: Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
@TheToddWilliams: THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
@Gooooats: I think this coworker I’ve been working with for 13 years is starting to suspect I don’t know his name.
@astutenewf: My moral compass must run on solar power because it definitely goes to sleep after dark.