Sir Im sorry I rear ended you but I was focused on not accidentally eating a purple jelly bean and you’re handling this really insensitively
You Might Also Like
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
Fight fire with water. Idiots.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
I bet somebody on Facebook is vowing to not eat Russian salad dressing EVER AGAIN.
Marry someone the same size as you to avoid decades of annoyance adjusting the seats and mirrors in the car
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
I don’t stroke my beard to seem wise. I’m just trying to get the crumbs out before you notice.
We got about 5-6 inches of snow here in the last 24 hrs, or, according to men, we got 8 inches.
if you’re too polite to ask your date to leave just whisper “Mother might be getting cold in the pantry” while staring nervously at your kitchen.
Me: Did you cheat?
Wife: Haha yes, what about you?
Me: Haha yes the glass wasn’t really moving on the ouija board, I was pushing it. What did you do?
Wife: Had sex with Dave
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
TIN MAN: I want a heart
COWARDLY LION: And I want courage
ZOMBIE: Braaaaains
ACTOR PLAYING COWARDLY LION: W-wait. Where the hell’d Ray go?
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
What’s something you had to put on “pause” for lockdown? I guess for me it’s picking up my kid from a birthday party.
ME [trying to convince her I care] I’m so angry the big bed cushions haven’t arrived
WIFE: Throw pillows
M: I’m that angry Karen, I might do
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
Sometimes I like to put on a dark wig, a floppy hat, and huge sunglasses, and pretend I’m a mystery woman.
Sadly my husband keeps recognizing me.
cleared my schedule so Friday me will have a great day but Monday me is gonna be PISSED
If James Bond is so great why doesn’t he have a Pringles flavor.
Standing naked in front of the mirrors trying to figure out which one makes me look thinner.
Home Depot manager: “If you don’t leave now, I’m calling the police.”
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
me: i’m sorry your honor i only stole to get back my beloved childhood toy.
judge: [tearing up] that’s beautiful what was the toy.
me: [sniffling] a huge pile of money.
Aww, I feel bad for never letting you win. Here, you can have my Playstation, my Xbox 360, and my Nintendo Switch!
*sniff* Don’t try to console me
(A world where everyone is named Bethany)
Bethany: what should we name our child?
Bethany: Bethany
Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
You say “save the date”, I hear “more time to come up with an excuse of why I’m not going.”