If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.
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I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Wife: your jeans are ruined. You filled them with cheese before putting them in the dryer again
Me: [whispering] ᴴᵒᵗ ᵖᵒᶜᵏᵉᵗˢ
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
Sniffing the broccoli
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
Lunch dates with spouses perplex me. I’ll just see you later at home for free.
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
You could murder someone in California and they wouldn’t even arrest you as long as you properly composted the body.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
Well, the mechanic called. Apparently, in addition to a muffler, my car also needs a new car.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Proud to be the guy that got my local park to introduce a “Don’t barbecue the ducks” rule.
I just got invited to a zoom baby naming ceremony. If I wasn’t a part of the baby making ceremony I don’t want to be a part of naming it.
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
If my ex taught me one thing it’s that women don’t like it when you sneak in their bedroom to watch them sleep after you’ve divorced.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
There are a few certainties in this life: death, taxes and when a Canadian tells you it’s cold out, it’s cold out.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*