Sir, the children at the petting zoo are unhappy. They think our animals are lame
*stares off into distance*
We’re gonna need a bigger goat
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Yo son, do you like nachos?
“Hell yeah!”
*son goes in for high 5*
That’s good, ’cause I’m nacho real dad
*rejects high 5*
You’re adopted lol
Me: What do you call sex in December?
Wife: Don’t say it.
Me: …
W: …
Me: Wintercourse.
W: (to judge) See this is why I need a divorce.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Fired from my job as an autopsy technician for repeatedly asking “are you gonna eat that?” during the procedures.
sonic has been forcefully and unjustly removed from over 100 public pools. that is his walking speed. he wasn’t even running.
So apparently “mind how you go” isn’t a universally used phrase. We’ve always said it in our family (especially in Ireland). My girlfriend’s parents looked at me like I was speaking Welsh when I said it.
her: can you put egg plant on the shopping list
me: *writes* ‘chicken’
In New York, people are paying up to $100 for a “cronut,” which is croissant/donut. We call these people “midiots,” which is a moron/idiot.
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Here’s this year’s kid-friendly Halloween joke:
Why didn’t the skeleton cross the road?
Because he didn’t have the guts!
Happy Halloween 🎃
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
My son asked Alexa to play The Imperial March, and it synced with my 3yo storming away after her tantrum. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.
Every time I go into the freezer I ritualistically sacrifice at least one piece of ice to the kitchen floor gods.
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
Me: *hands her a pitri dish I’ve cultivated over several months*
Her: what’s this?
Me: You said you wanted multiple organisms
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
*watching movie with demon killer clown*
Me to husband: Ridiculous, so unbelievable! Did you see the size of that kid’s bedroom
Dog owners: this is my precious angel boy who I payed $3,000 for last November and I finally got to take him today he’s my everything and all
Cat owners: this is my trash gremlin she was stuck in the gutter across the street and I lured her out with shrimp on a string