Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.

Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*

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[Airport security supervillain screening]

AGENT: Spell ‘haha’

ME: OK, ‘M’,–

AGENT: ur under arrest


me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs

boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right


“Where have you been all my life?”

In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.


me: i’m sad

rich people: then remove yourself from your toxic environment. quit your job now and fly to milan. shop for a week straight and buy a yacht it helps me heal. build a house in the tropics and drink fresh fruit juice the power is yours don’t be lazy and complain


“Give me the bad news, Doc–how long have I got?”

“Your wife’s procedure will be an outpatient one so unfortunately you can’t go to Vegas.”


I bring my kids to a romantic restaurant on Valentine’s day as a birth control reminder to the other couples.


LOL at the neighbor kids who didn’t realize I keep my piranhas in the hot tub.


David Cameron: “In some parts of Britain there are three generations of families where nobody has ever worked.”

Buckingham Palace?


My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing