Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
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People are writing condolences on my Grandma’s Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
I’m texting this to random phone numbers with no message
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
I was just about to have sex but then a gust of wind blew my condom into a labyrinth and like a fool I ran in to get it
*seductively corrects your posture*
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
[5am]
Cat: *retching in the hallway*
Me: *tired moan*
My dog: *kisses my forehead* I’ll go.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
My dilemma with religion is that my idea of Heaven consists of everything they’d send me to Hell for.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
The printer is only printing blank pages, and it’s like it can read my mind.
*cold day in hell
Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?
Me: we can stay at the playground a little longer
3: for forever?! Yay!!
Me: for five more minutes
3: *bursts into tears*
You know that one relative that is annoying AF and no one in the family can tolerate?
Yeah, she’s staying at my house this week.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
Me: Why do you have that I thought I threw it away. Where did you get it?
4: I taked it out of the trash can.
Me: *eye twitches*
If plastic bags could be used as currency, my mom would be on a Forbes list.
My ultimate dream is to move back home, open up a bar and run it with all of my friends, and then burn it down for the insurance money
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.