October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
You Might Also Like
Me: I don’t think I fit into some box with a label on it.
Serial Killer: *looking disappointed* Are you sure?
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
The only way to protect ourselves from eagle attacks is of course MORE eagles. Fill our homes with these gentle, knife clawed birds of prey.
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
You sure about that?
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Dispatcher: “The call is coming from inside the house!”
Me, moments from being murdered: “I have a landline?”
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
Did you know that Icy Hot remains on your fingers 6 hours after application? Well I do, because I wear contacts.
Wife: You call this a gift?
Husband: Well, when that other guy brought you same thing..
Wife: You mean our dog?
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
I’m confused about plants
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Overheard 2 dad’s at the playground wondering if my kid was as creepy as me.
Joke’s on them. I don’t have kids.
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
ZUCKERBERG: im ready to answer any questions u might have about facebook
84-YEAR-OLD SENATOR: excellent. mr zuckerberg my farmville farm needs more pigs but i cannot figure out where to purchase them
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
*5 people I know walk right past me at the store*
Me: *patting mask* thank you
my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.