@Timmsmiff

“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”

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@Nikkeya08

Yoga Instructor: This is Warrior pose

Me:*Sitting down, eating a cheeseburger

YI:

Me:*chewing
I’m a Warrior who just slayed a McDonaldite

@JasonBerlin

When something falls in your mouth by accident and you eat it, it’s a snaccident.

@Mostly_Cheese

“Get a parrot,” they said. “It’ll be fun,” they said. “Get a parrot,” the parrot said. “It’ll be fun,” the parrot said.

@TheBoydP

Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.

@thedad

WIFE: Sometimes I worry about the example you set for our son.

[Both me and our son eating shredded cheese by the handful]
ME: Can you give me a for instance?

@jnellbg

I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.

@mattZillaaaa

I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore

@KeetPotato

[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”

@Neuronicism

If she doesn’t have a new hair style by the time you’re done, you’re doing it wrong.