@QwertyJones3
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
@Timmsmiff
“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
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@QwertyJones3
@MsSkaarsgard
Welcome to 40. You keep a pair of tweezers in the car now because goddamn that visor mirror is good.
@BobTheSuit
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
@DitzMcGeee
1969: i bet in 50 yrs, we’ll have a colony on Mars, & flying cars.
2019:
@droidbears
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
@nbadag
*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?“they call me the butcher”
oh yea? why’s that, butch?
*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”
@dbedalberta
I ditched my ex gf. For lying. Lying under my best friend.
@mostlysharks
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
@Karate_Horse
A fun thing to do is take a group picture at a party. Then leave & print it at Walgreens. Buy a frame & place it on the mantel at the party.
@robfee
I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.