@Timmsmiff

“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”

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@QwertyJones3

PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers

ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam

@MsSkaarsgard

Welcome to 40. You keep a pair of tweezers in the car now because goddamn that visor mirror is good.

@BobTheSuit

I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.

@DitzMcGeee

1969: i bet in 50 yrs, we’ll have a colony on Mars, & flying cars.

2019:

@droidbears

greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital

@nbadag

*mob meeting*
ayo new guy—who’re you?

“they call me the butcher”

oh yea? why’s that, butch?

*smacks him with a pork loin* “no reason”

@Karate_Horse

A fun thing to do is take a group picture at a party. Then leave & print it at Walgreens. Buy a frame & place it on the mantel at the party.

@robfee

I have my hesitations about Paradise City if the first thing you brag about is the color of the grass.