“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
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If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka should qualify just fine.
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Day 3 of my thirty minute DIY project
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
*phone rings*
*stares at it*
*voicemail notice*
*ignore*
*text “Left you a vm”*
*ignore*
*act surprised when they mention it*Repeat
Got banned for life from rap battling for repeated use of the word dingus.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
Only in America would people violently trample each other for discounts, exactly one day after being thankful for what they already have…
Our dishwasher doesn’t know what hit it.
[job interview]
What’s your biggest weakness?
Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
this makes me so uncomfortable
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
The cashier just checked me out.
‘daddy this ice cream’s cold’ my 4yo tells me, again adding zero conversational value
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
Never invite a renegade cop from a 90s action movie over for board game night. They play by their own rules!
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
sorry cinderella but if he couldn’t recognize your face without your designer shoes on I have some news
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.