@sofarrsogud

‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla

-Me as a teacher

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@TheBoydP

Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?

@Rica_Bee

Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited

@13spencer

I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.

@ashleycrem

My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.

@dundlewood

I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after

@UncleDuke1969

Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.

(For Judy in Accounting)

@badbanana

Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.

@JennyJohnsonHi5

“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee

“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts

Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra

@PetrickSara

Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.

@RedRegenerated

[Dinner party]

ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.

HOST: MY TURTLES!