‘Sir, what causes a tsunami?’
– Godzilla
‘What about earthquakes?’
– Godzilla
‘And hurric..’
– Godzilla

-Me as a teacher

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Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?


Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited


I’m sick and I’m going to work today; so if there’s some kind of Contagion-level outbreak, I’m your patient-zero.


My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.


I didn’t think there’d be a sequel for “To Kill A Mockingbird.” I just assumed that they all lived Harper Lee ever after


Laugh, and the world laughs with you…
Keep saying “LOL” out loud, and you’ll die alone.

(For Judy in Accounting)


Last-second gift idea. Bring a tag and put it on any present already under the tree. Call other person a liar. Be willing to fight him/her.


“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee

“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts

Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra


Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.


[Dinner party]

ME: *holding a plate of empty shells* Boy, those oysters were filling.